I’d like to stage a brief intermission from The Adventures of Jenn-the-JET to bring you The Adventures of Jenn-the-American-Voter. In stream of conscience, no less.
“Allrighty, let’s see here… well, the races are the easy part: Democrat, Democrat, yay Obama!, Democrat, Democrat, Democrat, yay Adam Goode!, Democrat.... hm… the local races are more complicated… dammit, why don’t they put down their party affiliations?... hm… you live on a street near me; you ran in a different race, which makes you a bit of a sore loser but you seemed cool in that campaign; you ran in the same campaign and seemed like a real ass; you live on the same street as my middle school nemesis; I’m pretty sure I had English class with your son; you live on a street with a pretty name -- okay, that’s six, on to the referendum questions...
Dear lord, they apparently write these as a concession to people who want there to be a literacy requirement to vote -- I have a college degree and I still don’t know what they are talking about… well, we’ll start with “Yes” on the bond issue -- I don’t understand bonds, but the Treasurer of the State of Maine does, and I’ll bet he’s smarter than me… okay, I know my opinion on the beverages tax, but what arrow do I connect to properly reflect it?... let’s try google… did you know there’s a site called ballotpedia.org? it’s very helpful, but sadly it doesn’t translate referendum-speak… hm… I know Erik Steele wrote about this a while ago, off we go to the Bangor Daily News archives… ah, excellent -- he says vote “No.” I’ll do that then… Now, casino in Oxford County… hm... this article is quoting a Pat LaMarche as spokeswoman… spokesperson would be more politically correct… wait, is that the same Pat LaMarche of the Green Party, who ran for Vice President four years ago?... back to ballotpedia… yes, it is… Pat LaMarche is in favour of the casino? well, I’ll do what Pat LaMarche tells me to do… I don’t really like casinos… whatever, Pat LaMarche told me to…
Last question… local referendum… why do I care whether people on Howard Street can turn left onto State Street? I don’t even know where Howard Street is… oh, wait, I’m pretty sure I signed a petition about this… what did the nice-but-angry man from Howard Street want me to do?... can’t remember… no use looking it up in the Bangor Daily -- it’s a local referendum, so the best they’d have is a charming human interest piece about somebody’s eight-year-old son... man, I live in a hick town... try again… nope, definitely have no idea what they’re talking about…
Oh, whatever, just leave it blank -- I have to get to the post office before it closes… I wonder if they want me to mail back the cute little golf pencil?... well, Sendai’s instructional booklet on recycling didn’t cover Official Absentee Ballot Cute Little Golf Pencils, so shipping it back is a good way to get it out of my apartment… don’t forget to sign… if I lived one hundred years ago, I’d be a walking advertisement for why to deny women the vote… where are my bike keys?”
And that, my friends, is democracy in action.
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